Absence

some mornings i wake up, and i dont want to.

some mornings i wake up and think of every nightmare and it cripples me.

just imagine the paralyzing fear of your own memories.

after long days of too much, i wish for absence of thought,

the absence of memory and mind,

the absence of myself.

 

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Where has the time gone?

I will be the first to admit it, I have been slacking on the promises that I made to myself, and I allowed myself to get too busy instead of writing every day. I chose late night tacos over late night writing and for that I will punish myself by not eating tacos for a week. It will be tough, but I take full responsibility.

So to catch up with myself i have found myself with two internships, one where they call me Richard (that’s not my name) and the second where there is a whole bunch of excitement and new plans. I am also right in the swing of my summer classes and working, so I will no longer be sleeping. I figure that will be the easiest to remove from my busy schedule, hopefully, I won’t be too grumpy.

Since this will be my last night actually getting a substantial amount of sleep I will keep this short and sweet, and just say hello and goodbye until tomorrow, possibly if I survive.

There is.

There is a moment in time when the sun is just rising, it is casting orange and pinkish tones over the topography, that you think this is beautiful. This is beautiful and there is nothing that can top this, there is nothing besides sunrise. Then you come back from your senseless notion and you realize that that is so far from the truth. You can just walk outside and take a moment close your eyes turn your face to the sky and breathe, just breathe. What do you smell?

You can smell everything.

You can hear everything.

And you can feel everything.

The wind, brushing against the hairs on your arm, rustling the hair that managed to fall free from the elastic, the expansion of your clothes because the wind is completely yours. The warming feeling of the almost risen sun against your face and on occasion on one arm over the precipice of the roof.

There are birds in the distance on both sides, the sound of cars and people just starting to wake up and move. There is nothing that beats the wonderful noise of leaves being shaken awake by the wind that clears your mind.

Sometimes when you lift your face to truly feel the rays, and you smell nothing, but it smells like everything. You can breathe in the fresh air that holds so much promise for the day and completely erase all thoughts of anything else there is nothing but you and the wind.

Sometimes you can almost imagine yourself home where the birds in the distance are seagulls looking for food, or the feel of the wind against your skin also comes with the feel of sand that could not quite hold its place.Sometimes you can hear the waves crashing against the shore taking with it shells and sand with a place to return or not to return. There is also a moment when the wind brings to you a smell so sweet from your memory that it overwhelms you absolutely the tinge of salt in the air from the sea and it brings you back from wherever you are and gives you peace.

It gives you a home again. It gives you hope. And sometimes all there is left, is hope.

Cheers to the First!

So just this morning i decided that I am going to try and do a book review whenever I finish a noteworthy novel, because I do happen to read a lot and I have no one else to share my thoughts with so here goes:

Recently I bought the novel The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt I had to wait for the novel to come out in paperback because I prefer it to the hard covered books. So basically this is a novel about a young boy who goes through a tragedy and his life get’s flipped turned upside down after he loses his mother in an explosion at an undisclosed museum in New York with certain lions standing guard out front (I don’t want to give the entire story away). So not only does he lose his mother but he also, a year previous, lost his father because he left them for a new life.

Once he establishes that he no longer has any immediate family to go to, he call’s up his old friend whom he used to be chummy with playing chess and all that, he stays with an uptown family until a surprise guest re-enters his life and whisks him away. After he is taken from the uptown family (as I shall call them hence forth) he meets a Russian and they begin to drink and partake in numerous drug-taking activities, meanwhile trouble begins with the surprise guest who was his father and he loses a lot of money, and begins to drink again (which was one of his problems before he left) and ends up exiting the stage once more. Theo (the young boy) a little bit older decides to leave his almost brother (the Russian) and goes back to New York.

From here I will not give out any more spoilers or details, but this book is the epitome of awesomeness, I’m glad I waited to read it now instead of 3 years ago when I would not have comprehended much about loss, and giving into our inner demons. If you decide to read this book you will not be disappointed it is 771 pages of a book lovers dream, I would definitely give it five thumbs up if I had that many.

Creative Blogger Award

A stunning turn of events! I was nominated for the Creative Blogger Award by GraceFilledLight who has given me the gift of similarity in the way we found ourselves back into writing! I am supposed to share five things about myself so here we go:

1. I am a former dancer and I love all things dance and to this day I can kick myself in the face if I wanted to

dancer probs

2. I have three cats and one of them weighs 20 pounds and I adopted him like that because he had the most personality and his nickname is “Fat Fred” and no I am not a crazy cat lady I also have two dogs and a fish I like to take in those that do not have a home.

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3. I am the best lazy, un-lazy person you will ever meet sometimes I stay in the same spot on my couch for three days at a time in the same clothes and crazy hair, and other days I’m prim and proper going for a 5 mile run and having lunch with friends, while simultaneously saving the world 😉

lazy probs

4. I have always been an avid reader, and by avid I mean if you speak to me while I am trying to read I probably will not hear year and you have no chance of being remembered in that moment…

book probs

5. And finally, my literary hero at this very moment happens to be Charles Bukowski very specifically his non-auto biography’s Ham on Rye, Post Office, and Women. I know what you’re thinking really? How vulgar. But it takes a true artist to create a movie in a person’s mind from their words and this man has allowed me to utilize this cherished gift again after lying dormant for so long.

charles b



And I would like to nominate these five fellow bloggers: keithgarrettpoetry, Write meg!triSARAHtops, Elan Mudrow, and David Gaughran

So Let’s Talk About it.

Recently, and by recently I mean yesterday Texas passed some new legislation regarding an issue that has so plagued our wonderful (she say’s sarcastically) state for the past couple of years. The conceal and carry on college campus’ law was just approved by Governor Abbott, basically the law says that citizens may carry a concealed handgun with a permit, the only way to get the permit is to be 21 years of age or older. The best thing about this bill is the fact that these hidden weapons will not be allowed in the campus medical facilities, and each college is allowed to establish as to whether or not they will allow this on their campus, and private colleges aren’t going to be affected what-so-ever because why would they.

Really? I have lived in Texas for 12+ years and in all the time I’ve been here this is the most redundant thing I have ever laid witness to. The only reason they are passing this piece of legislation is with the excuse of students and people on campus will be better protected because several if not hundred’s of people are armed. How would this better protect us? If I walk onto my school campus every day, am I going to be subjected to those that somehow managed to pass the background check for a permit to carry a gun and are angry?

I may be liberal and I may be a tad bit Democratic, but seriously I don’t think that this is going to keep anyone safer. What’s next allowing these concealed weapons on elementary and secondary school campus’? Please feel free to comment and leave your opinions.

New Title

Life is like…a box of chocolates, like a box of marbles, like a book with a blank cover? I think that life throws you curve balls whenever it feels like it, and I think this makes you a better person for it. Sometimes the stars look bright and sometimes you just cannot seem to find any at all, all you can see is the night sky cloaking your view. When opportunities present themselves you must take them and run, use them to make sure that you never have to remain cloaked from view by the night.

Your opportunities and gains are unique to you though someone may receive one that may look the same, they are going to use it in a completely different way than you would. Although if you feel like you never get any opportunities or they just never present themselves to you, you have to create your own opportunities. Create your own resume, apply and apply and then apply yourself some more in order to get what and where you need to go. You should always rely on yourself and never count on anyone unless they are absolutely essential to what you need in your life.

If you have nothing to write about, just sit down get a snack maybe some water or some hot tea, and just write. Even if your writing does not make any sense just do it. It does not make any sense to hold yourself back because you have no clue what to do with yourself. Pick a word and use it to set the tone, use it for the main point, use it as your basis for the day. Make it a point to use this in your writing so that you can set the tone for yourself. Writer’s block no problem type a letter into Google or open a random page in the dictionary and write a story with the first word that you see.

My Manifesto…

My first blog, what a change from the days when I was scrambling to find a pen or pencil to write in one of my numerous journals and notebooks. I guess the reason behind me wanting to start this blog and have it continue on for at least a year is because I seem to have lost my drive to scramble around finding a pen with worry because I don’t think ill be able to find one, and then I won’t be able to write. Writing has always been my go to for any of my problems emotionally it’s always been my chamomile tea so to speak, my calming solution. i always keep the image of my composition notebook filled with angry red marks from an energetic pen because that was the point in my life when I was angry all the time and, of course, I had to write it down.

So I am now asking myself again why the blog. the reason behind the blog is for me to sit down and write every single day for the next year, I stare at my laptop every day, sometimes all day so while im staring and being hypnotized, I may as well help myself to some free therapy. I would rather have something public than a small blue journal that I keep with me at all times because I have words and sentences and paragraphs that some may find to help them as well as myself. I want people to look at my blog and see that they can become accountable for their writing as I am. I want to feel accomplished in the fact that I can write every day for a year, whether it be an article or just a couple of sentences, I want to be more than school, I want to be more than my two jobs, I just want to be more.